How do I be a good mother?

Because, you see, I am not like so many other lucky mothers who can call their moms or grandmothers and ask, "Hey, I did this when I was a kid, so what do I do now that my kid is doing this?".

I am alone in this because my mother was largely absent, due to either drugs, alcohol or just plain voluntary she didn't give a damn (she tries to make up for that now, but is another post for another time).

So now I raise my 9 year old child, who is quite brilliant, except she suffers from an extreme form of ADHD. And before any of you waste your breath with ADHD and its over-prescriptions and its implications --- understand. Google ADHD and whatever else you need to do to understand. It is a REAL disorder that affects REAL people in a REAL way.

We both have this disorder. And it cripples us from day to day. We cannot remember appointments, homework, assignments, etc. We are slowly sucking at life. I have invented various ways to deal with my own disorder, but it hurts me to watch her struggle on a day-to-day basis. It hurts me to watch her wade through her life through the lens of a disorder she could not being to understand.

I want to call my mother and ask her, "What did you do when I did this?". I want to call someone and ask them, "How can I help her do better in school?", "How do I help her remember her homeword?".


I feel alone with my child and I need help to get her through this. She is brilliant and shows promise that would baffle others -- but her teachers won't see it because she "talks excessively in class" and "doesn't follow direction well".

I invite those teachers to live a day in either of our lives and then see how they evaluate.

A Three Fold Utopian Dream

You know, we have come a long way. A. Long. Way.

We started out with nothing. Literally ... nothing. Neither one of us had a vehicle. Neither one of us had a job (me ... by choice. you ... by circumstance). And we thought neither one of us had a chance at love.

But here we are, almost 2 years to the day that we met (September 01, 2006 ... I remember well and I know you do).

Look where we are now.

We have our lives together, brought together by sheer cirumstance of passing by.

We have our children, brought together by our union of sheer love and respect for one another.
We have us. And that is what I am most astonished by. That we overcame amazing obstacles. That we overcame everyone's objections. That we overcame the distance that haunted us with its many miles of seperation. That we overcame everything that threatened to tear us apart, but could not seperate a union that was destined to be.

You have crossed the barrier that some have tried to cross in the past ... a permanent union with me. Those before you have failed to make that union permanent because they did not possess what you did: Everything that I have needed. Everything that I have wanted.

And I guarantee you ... I promise you ... the union we entered into on the date of our marriage seals our fate for the rest of our lives.

The first year has been phenomenal. I cannot wait for the preceding years. You accept me as I am -- no questions, no judgements. And for that, you have given me the gift of acceptance.
So I give you my loyalty, my trust ... my respect. And in return, I ask only for you.

I love you Husband. I love you dearly. More than these silly words express.

I.Love.You.
(and the greatest part? i know that you feel the same as i do .. a three fold utopian dream.)

Too Laate

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25921453

This makes my heart happy. For Congress to make this decision shows a progressive movement towards recognizing our nation was not built on just Jesus and the right to carry guns. This nation was built on the humiliation and degradation of thousands of people that, at the time, our nation considered a second-class. Our nation didn't value their effort and their contribution to making our economy prosperous. Without the efforts of the slaves, the economy of the United States would have been crippled.

And HUNDREDS of years later, our Congressional body decides its time to apologize for enslaving thousands. They apologize for forcing them to make our nation prosperous.

But at least, at some point, they decided to apologize.

I'm reminded of a song: "It's too laaate to 'pologize

As if it were the first day we met ....

By "The One", I don't necessarily mean that there is only a solitary person in the world meant for you and if you never meet them you will be doomed to a loveless life of loneliness and bitter gall.

I don't think it is that simple.

But do you believe that there is One Person that you will love in a way that no other person on earth could ever, will ever, approach? I'm referring to the kind of love where you could intellectually admit to yourself that you've loved people before The One, and you understand that you could love again after them, but you know deeply that all other loves would forever be different from the height and width and depth and scope of that One Love. I'm talking about a kind of love that transcends infatuation, lust, puppy love, or deep friendship; a love that encompasses all of those things but they are peripheral to it. It's the kind of love that fills you up so completely you can't contain it no matter how valiantly you try. It spills and leaks and stains your cheeks. It embarrasses you in its abundance and the way it makes you want to tell the man who sells you sandwiches at the deli all about it, and you don't even care when he cringes with the annoying, cloying sweetness of your speech and that he only cares if you want avocado on your turkey sandwich or not.

The deli man doesn't even know your name, but you want him to know every little thing about the One you Love.

And you know deep inside that this One ... the One ... you could never walk away from the person who "rearranges the jagged stars of your past and smiles at you with love letter eyes"

Anatomy of a Stream of Consciousness

[begin]

warmth of a hug, light of a smile, passion of a kiss, ferocity of sex, fireworks, brilliant stars, shattering glass, goose feathers, cold water, moments of silence, bits of sunshine, shadows of moonlight, golden beams.

pause.

laughter of a child, crushing of a can, leaves crunching in the winter, crisp wind on a sunny day, clear blue sky.

pause

cat's soft fur, bird's sharp beak, dog's panting breath, the burn at the back of your throat when drinking a cold carbonated beverage first thing in the morning or when you are parched thirsty

[gasp]

pause --

(longer pause because that last stream exerted more energy)

[refocus]

tinny laugh of a sitcom track ..... clickity click clack of fingers tapping on a keyboard ..... gurgling of a fish tank ....

[stream slows down ... .my brain now is recovering ... it begins to notice its surroundings, I suppose]

[refocus]

the sound of my heartbeat, beating not for myself, but for you.

[you see, my thoughts begin and end with you. you are the bookend that holds me together]

Aroma Therapy

I have a minor problem: I can't taste or smell. Due to an error on my part, I had an experience resulting in a skull fracture that damaged my olfactory nerve, which controls the part of our brain that register smell and aids in detecting tastes.

I say minor problem because most people don't understand; they take their senses for granted.

The smell of coffee grinds, the smooth taste of good beer, the aroma of coffee or bacon in the morning, the rich velvety taste of Valentine's chocolate, the sweet and intoxicating perfume of a newborn baby, the crisp scent of autumn -- all things I can no longer appreciate. Things that just serve as a distant memory; a placemark to remind me of a mistake I made once in my life.

I joke about it now; it is useful at times. I can shoot vodka straight (without even making the squinchy face), and I can be around sweaty nasty people without gagging. (Okay, maybe the last one isn't that useful but what if I am on a subway full of sweaty basketball players. I cannot foresee a situation like this ever happening but you never know .... ).

I joke about it but it still bothers me deep inside. Our sense of smell is our livelihood. We connect certain smells with memories we have stored in reference to the smell. We associate certain tastes with certain foods that invoke feelings of comfort or feelings of release.

It is a depressing, stripping that leaves me feelings robbed and empty at times. While "favorite" dreams include sex with supermodels and winning the lottery, mine usually involves me being able to taste a Baby Ruth. Pretty hot stuff.

So as you go about your day today, take time to smell the roses (pun intended). Take time to savor that last bite of Porterhouse. Swish a good wine around in your mouth. Pause and consider what your life would be like without that taste or smell.

Hold your nose for a minute and ponder what your life would be like if that was your existence. Then welcome yourself to my world.

I Do.

Six months since my world turned upside down. Six months of joy of discover.

Six months since MW walked into my life.

It seems like such a short time to others, but man, 6 months is a lifetime to me.

You know, I feel like I live a hundred lifetimes -- a HUNDRED -- in a day. This means that in every month that has passed, we have learned who we are ... who we are not ... and what we want out of each other. We are lovers, parents, friends, therapists, cooks, Maguyvers, teachers, students, children, adults ... and so much more. We learn a little more about each other every day. It is like an adventure.

One week ago, MW took our relationship to the next level and asked me to be his wife.

It was a beautiful, impromptu proposal ... spontaneous and full of the love I know he holds for me in his heart.

I said yes. Yes to a life with him. Yes to accept all the love he can give me, as yes to hoping I can give him half as much ....

So this, is my proposal to you, MW:

I love you. I have known it since the day I met you. It grows every day and expands my heart, making it beat only for you. Never doubt that you are the only man that will ever excite me ... ever make my heart skip a beat ... ever make me miss your touch so much my body aches for you.

I will be your wife. I will take your name and hope to make you as happy as you have made me.

That is my promise to you ...